Top Ten Ways for Banks to Raise Capital

From Giovanni Diviacchi:

The U.S. government has completed its bank stress tests, and has found up to ten banks that will have to raise capital to meet government standards.

To meet the standards, here are the top ten ways that those banks plan to save money and raise capital:

10) "Hello, is this the Girl Scouts?  Can I speak to the head of the Girl Scouts' cookie drive?"
9)  All bank employees required to empty the loose change from their cars' dashes and bring it to work.
8)  A PR firm hired to promote money laundering as a green business practice.
7)  "Sorry, we can't allow you to use that bank pen unless you pay a fee."
6)  "Lonely, call 1-800-***-****" chat lines now advertise on the bank websites.
5)  Banks now accept sponsorships from fast food franchises.
4)  Bank branches are converting to Dollar Store franchises.
3)  Bank CEOs inundating Warren Buffet with requests to wash his car and do his laundry.
2)  Banks no longer cash checks, because, in their words, 'We need the cash more than you do."

And the number one way banks plan to raise capital for their reserves:

1)  Passwords to ATMs and debit cards now use a lottery approach: Guess the right password and win!


Giovanni Diviacchi is a business analyst and stand-up comedian in  Washington, D.C.

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